10 – 07 -19
It’s really weird
putting my fingers on keyboard right now, trying to figure out the best words
to express my feelings before I turn 20.
Hello?! Iya, ini
Salsa. Halo Salsa umur ke sekian, ini Salsa umur 19 tahun. Tolong jangan
diingatkan kalau 6 hari lagi udah 20 tahun. Aneh ya? Gue dulu pernah nulis
semacam ini pas gue hampir menyentuh umur 17 tahun, I guess? And because this
is my last teen, I really wanna tell the future Salsa or whoever read this
about my recent updated life.
Ok, I think I must
read the previous curhatan about I don’t wanna grow up.
Okay, so, gue
nulis curhatan itu dengan judul “Just a reminder”, just a reminder blabla, just
a reminder blablabla. Saat itu gue kayaknya cuma mau mengenang apa yang gue
rasakan dan apa yang terjadi pada saat itu sebelum gue menginjak 17 tahun.
I was cute enough
to write that in 16. Lol.
So, just a
reminder again, nama gue Salsabila. Dan yes, email gue masih pakai official di
belakang namanya karena setelah gue search gimana caranya ganti nama, it needs
a lot of effort, and I am an effortles person, so, nama gue masih Salsabila.
Dan masih suka kalo dipanggil dengan sebutan selain Salsa, dan masih sebel kalo
dipanggil Salsabila. Iya iya, gue udah 19 tahun. Enam hari lagi 20 tahun.
Jadi, apa dulu ya
yang mau gue kasih tau?
Apakah ada goals
yang dulu gue harapkan sudah tercapai?
Well, sadly, no.
Goal terbesar gue
saat SMA adalah bisa kuliah di Universitas Indonesia. Tapi gue sekarang malah
kuliah di Universitas tetangganya UI. Bukan BSI atau UP, tapi Gunadarma.
Universitas yang nggak pernah gue bayangkan sebelumnya. Satu tahun kuliah di
sana gue rasanya selalu pengen keluar karena biayanya mahal haha. Tapi perlahan
gue mulai bisa menerima kalau mungkin takdir gue memang di Gundar, kampus
swasta sejuta umat. But, I love it now. Gue mulai jatuh cinta sama Gundar,
Depok, dan isinya. Gue bersyukur masih bisa kuliah.
Meskipun masa
kuliah gue nggak seindah atau sekeren SMA, gue masih sangat bersyukur karena
setidaknya gue masih punya temen-temen yang asyik, dan beberapa temen deket
yang baik dan seru. Walaupun gue awalnya gue nggak bisa menerima kalau gue
ditempatin di SA01, tapi perlahan gue mulai terima, capek juga ngeluh mulu.
Meskipun banyak drama, seenggaknya gue nggak ikut ikutan.
Asli, tulisan gue
kayak anak SD banget ya? Haha. Sorry, hobi menulis gue sudah hilang sejak lulus
SMA. Gue bahkan nggak tau kalau ditanya hobi gue apa, mau jawab hobi nulis,
tapi gue udah nggak pernah nulis, mau bilang hobi baca, udah nggak suka baca.
Gue juga nggak ngerti gue hidup ngapain aja. Kerjaan gue stress doang.
I’ve been in hard
times a lot. But I think my friends struggle more than I do. They always wanna
die, while I enjoy the feeling of dying wishing I won’t die early because I
wanna experience something else beside dying. I cry a lot. But recently, I
laugh a lot, even too much. Life is too funny, and I’m tired crying about it,
while it mocks me.
And how about my
love life? It still sucks actually. But not that suck like it used to.
I don’t think I
still like that ‘anak MIA’ aka Fuad (yes I mention his name, he won’t read this
either) , but everytime I picture meeting him, I always think that I’m gonna
faint. I just gave up. I know and I won’t deny that I loved him too much and I
cannot love and adore someone like I did to him. Or I do? I have no idea. But
the thoughts of Fuad are not haunting me anymore and there is no chest pain
everytime his face pops up in my mind. I am officially clean from my toxic love
for Fuad.
Fuad, you are
really really cool. I really want to love you as long as I can, but I also
wanna get married and have babies, and you cannot give me that, so, good bye my
high school crush. You’re not amazing, my love was. I still love you, but not
love that kind of love.
...
I thought I will
be forever alone, it turns out I’m still alone, but not that kind of desperate
alone.
Someone loves me
guys. At least now. There is someone who asked me out to watch movie and bought
me a cup of coffee (not technically coffee, but milk). Let me be confident for
a moment, because I’ve been insecure for my whole life, but I think he is
obsessed with me. He seems really really likes me. Belum tau aja kalo gue
bangsat. Haha.
I don’t love him,
but I like him. As a friend I guess? Bingung aku sebenernya tuh. Gue tuh kalo
dibaikin sama orang nggak mau, dijahatin baru ngejar ngejar. Bener kata Ega,
gue tuh senengnya dibangsat bangsatin daripada disayang sayang wkwkwk.
Shaula (Yes I
mention his name because no reason), you are sweet. You are kind. You are fun
to be with. Tapi gue tuh anaknya bangsat, gue cuma kasian kalo ternyata gue
nggak sesuai ekspektasi dia.
But I am really
grateful that at least there is someone who notices me as a girl. I thought
I’ll be alone till I graduate.
Gue ngaco banget
kan ngomongnya. Harusnya gue bikin kerangka ilmiah dulu ya.
Intinya, gue
bahagia dan bersyukur saat ini. Iya emang masih banyak banget goals gue yang
belum tercapai, gue masih belum bisa banggain orang tua gue, mau mah mau, tapi
belum aja kali ya.
Terima kasih ya
Allah, Salsa bahagia. Makasih udah kasih Salsa keluarga yang utuh, yang
sempurna tapi nggak sempurna, udah kasih Salsa temen-temen yang baik dan tidak
baik, makasih udah kasih ayah dan mama rezeki untuk kuliahin Salsa. Tolong
jadikan Salsa manusia yang lebih baik dan lebih banyak uang lagi. Aamiin.
Yaudah biar kayak
sebelumnya, gue sekarang nulis ini di laptop Lala yang menurut gue bagus banget
karena komputer gue rusak, sambil dengerin playlist Korean Indie di Spotify.
Mama lagi masak untuk pesanan. Oja entah lagi latihan paskibra atau ikut
mentoring rohis, Afa masih tidur, ayah di kapal. Kucing? Kita nggak punya
kucing sekarang :(Alhamdulillah bersyukur banget karena kelas LSP nya dimundur
jadi jam setengah dua jadi gue bisa nulis ini sekarang. What a life. Eh, pengen
nulis goals sekarang ah, siapa tau ada yang bisa dicoret hehe.
- Berat
badan 48
Best love,19th Salsa. 9.30
AM, 10/07/2019
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